Welcome to the Shadowboard!
Well Matty, what do you think? They’re a little stuffy, right? LOLLerskates! “Shadowboooard…oooh!” Like all mysterious and shit. Ugh! I can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s bad enough I had to make an account on Greg’s List and, um what was it? Mangee’s List? We should just start our own super secret private club forum. In fact, maybe that’s exactly what I’ll do…when I retire.
Okay let’s make our first usage of the Shadow-BORED worthwhile. First post: What’s the secret ingredient in BOING-OH Energy Cola-ade?
Oh bother! This is going to take forever. What do I really hope to get out of this anyway? I keep telling myself, Matty, it’s just another source. Just like the deep web, just like the IRC, just like all my little internet hell-holes, it’s a potential source of information. I should just write another algorithm and save myself a little time.
Welcome! You’ve Got Mail!
“As this is your first visit to the Shadowboard, here are a few hints and pointers to get you started. Just the basics. What this notice board is, who runs it, and so on. “The Shadowboard is simply an online messaging service and information board dedicated to the disciplined study of arcane energies and events. We aren’t talking about tarot, geomancy or jumping naked over bonfires.”
Why the hell would you leave your clothes on? Matty?
“We’re talking blood, sweat and tears, pouring your soul into things or invoking life into machines…”
Hablar! These guys take themselves a little too seriously. I mean, if they only knew who’s sitting on this end of the terminal. Sigh. It’s a shame I can’t cast some magic through the computer and get this over with. Hey…wait a minute. Casting spells on the computer? Naw…that’s just plain crazy talk! Or is it? Note to self: RESEARCH.
“…if you aren’t clear about what this means, then this isn’t a noticeboard that will interest you. To continue past this screen, press F2. This will take you to the noticeboard, which is the main portion of the Shadowboard. You may post any messages you please there, although there will be a delay of about a day before your message appears, but we will remove anything which is slanderous, religious, or trivial. When you get to the board you will find a selection of messages left by other users. These may include reports of unusual events and sightings, discussions of theory and metaphysics, partial or complete ritual instructions, pleas for help or information, or anything else that people have decided to leave. Messages are taken off the board after a month, and we have no control over what people have decided to post to us.”
Okay this is called Moderation. Did we really need the hand-holding spiel? I mean, sheesh, it’s 2026! Isn’t it?
“We also cannot guarantee that any specific message is accurate, honest, or sane. Finally, we’ll
save you the trouble and tell you now that the Shadowboard has more than adequate defenses from computer viruses, hackers, et cetera. Don’t bother. You will also be unable to find, physically, the machine which we are using to maintain this board. And of course, if you can’t screw around with or even find our system, then that means that no one else can either. At any point you may register on the Shadowboard by pressing F1. This is a simple procedure, nothing will be installed to your hard disk, and you won’t be asked to give any information. We don’t even want your name. In fact, we recommend that you never divulge any personal details when using the Shadowboard. You didn’t have too much trouble getting the access software, did you?”
Is this guy talking to me? Maybe this whole introductory welcome message was written like thirty years ago and they just forgot to update it. Maybe they leave it up to really fuck with people. I kinda like their style.
“No. Well, that means that lots of other people have got the same software as you, just as easily. Rivals, enemies, the government. Think about it. Be careful. Once you have registered, you will be able to pick up messages left for you at the board. These, addressed to you personally using any User Name you choose, are entirely confidential, and can only be read with an access code which you have preset. "There is no charge for registration or access. The service is entirely free. “The Shadowboard’s administrator is User Name: Netwerk (Hi there!), so address queries, etc., to that name. The whole thing is maintained due to the generosity of The Benefactor, and there are no strings attached.”
No strings, eh? No apron strings? No heart strings? How about no kite strings? Yoyo strings? What about string cheese? WHY SO SERIOUS!!! Wait, wasn’t that an internet meme about 20 years ago Matty?
I know, right? Fuck it. I feel you, babe. Well I had some time between training sessions with Michelle and I am sick and fucking tired of reading ancient Greek text and that Kafka shit is really dry. I mean…c’mon. Tranforming into a bug? Seriously? What kind of German super-heroes did they have back then? Let’s see – First Reich was the Roman Empire, Second Reich was Otto von Bismark, Prussia, and the Kaiser. Third Reich – let’s see….hmmm, they would have been due for some insect super-heroes right about then. Okay. I believe you.
“The Shadowboard is simply the communications organ of The Shadowleague. In fact, it really is the League. Shadowleague has no hierarchies, no controllers, no secret agendas, no one telling you what to do or asking for your loyalty. The League also maintains a series of Free Houses and other services which you may become aware of later. But again, keep in mind that because no one controls the Shadowleague, there is no one making sure that these services are run properly. Understand? Like we said, BE CAREFUL.”
I could have sworn careful was my middle name. Oh no? It’s “Badass” eh? When did that happen? Dark Hazel baby! That’s when! Lashe’evadne Sycorax-Circe Griselda CAREFULBADASS Duchesne. Sounds about right. That’ll work.
Yeah, I’m done with this shit. Let’s just post my question and get the hell out of here. We’ve got spirit, YES WE DO, We’ve got spirit – HOW ABOUT YOU?!?! Time to visit the boss man Matty. I hope those online law classes I took as a dare pay off.