Would it still smell as sweetly as me? As little ol’ Hazel? Or would it smell as sweetly Lashe’evadne blahblahblah? Gah, why did Gerhardt care about poetry so much? What about names? You don’t have a name yet. So, Diary, what will your name be? Diane the Diary? Diarrhea the Diary? Diode the Diarrhea Diary? That sounds like alliteration.
What shall I call you? Brunhilda? Esmerelda? Griselda? — that’s my…well, one of my middle names. Helga? Olga? Matilda? Matilda? Hmm…that one might stick. Well, Matilda, as you know, I am Lashe’evadne Sycorax-Circe Griselda Duchesne. Now, I’m not sure where “Matilda” comes from but Goggle says it is Gothic in origin derived from the words mahta (meaning “might” or “strength”) and hildr (meaning “battle”). Might in battle! That’s awfully symbolic! But I think it would get you picked-on at public school.
Just like I named you, Gerhardt says someone named me but he won’t say who; it’s on my birth-certificate though, whatever that means. He says he doesn’t know but assumes it was my parents: Two drug addicts who were dead before I even opened my eyes. What’s in a name? My name doesn’t mean anything as kewl as yours…I’m sure. Let’s pull Goggle up and see what all those different names mean and where they come from.
(humming) Hmmm…Goggle. Whoever invented this thing was a genius! It’s like…the information super-highway is at my fingertips! And I’m wasting all that brainpower on something silly like my name. Ah! Here it is!
Lashe means…well, Goggle says it might not mean anything! Evadne is some kind of Greek woman who had sex with Apollo. Sycorax was a vicious and powerful witch — fiction — in a play called The Tempest by William Shakespeare. Hmm…it says she was banished to an island for practicing magic so strong she could control the moon! Whoa! Maybe one day that will be me! All alone and miserable with no friends except my diary. Hey wait a minute! That’s not fair! Matilda you pulled a fast one on me! Let’s keep going. Circe — ooh! There’s another Greek reference. This one is a goddess of magic. Oh. Um, it says she might have just been a witch. Ugh. Is someone trying to tell me something? Next! Griselda? It was in a couple of stories that I’ve never heard of. Chaucer’s Canterbury tales sounds familiar. That’s in Olde Englishe, though, and Gerhardt has a hard-on for anything old and English.
Speaking of hard-ons. Ick. I saw Roman doing something…weird two nights ago. I woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee. It was really dark and I couldn’t see the clock but it was probably like one or two. I tiptoed to the bathroom like I usually do because I didn’t want to wake anyone up and those old floorboards creak so badly in the hallway. That’s when I noticed it. There was a small light on in his room — like from his reading lamp — and the door was cracked just enough for me to peek. It sounded like he was out of breath or something. Like he was exercising. Why was Roman exercising in the middle of the night? Why do I have some of the stupidest brothers — sorry, UNRELATED, so step-brothers by well, marriage, nah…adoption I guess. I peered through the crack in the doorway and looked around the room until I saw Roman laying on his bed with his y’know thing in his hand and it was sticking straight up! He was making these grunting noises like when Morgenstern gets all whiny for table-scraps after dinner.
Grosss! It was so weird looking and and…I dunno, I felt like guilty or something…like I was invading his privacy or…I dunno. Why could he just keep the door closed — and LOCKED!
Gerhardt’s version of Health class was like the watered down shadow of Cliff’s Notes. I mean, I’m sixteen years-old so I’m not totally ignorant. I think Roman was doing “masterrbacion” on himself. The book says it’s normal. Sigh. I wish I had another girl to talk to. My female-parent — Fredericca — barely acknowledges me. I feel like she didn’t even want me! Or maybe she did 16 years ago but now she doesn’t…or maybe she regrets adopting me. Maybe god was punishing her by not giving her a baby girl and they just went out and got one anyway. Why is life so unfair? I wish I had a sister. She can be such a bitch sometimes like she’s the queen of the house. I just don’t bow and scrape to her like the boys do. She’s supposed to be the one who helps me out here! Matilda, Matty, we haven’t even had the “woman” talk yet! Gerhardt said in Anatomy and Physiology that Fredericca would be doing my half of the “practical” education. He’s such a wuss. I guess I’ll have to learn it on my own.